Hi There!It's mbwzy once again presenting another story!
Title:Married @ 15
A brief summary:
GuiGui is fifteen years old.She is poor and an uneducated girl.She has an older brother named Reymart who likes to gamble all the time and flirting with rich older ladies.They have siblings which aren't their real siblings.They just adopted them.His brother has lots of debts and people are kept saying for them to pay or else they would take away the little children and sell them to another country.One time,one of the kids got a high fever that caused GuiGui to sell herself.When she was about to go with an old guy,Aaron a rich man approached her and said that he'll buy her life.GuiGui agreed for the sake of money.In one condition,their marriage will have no love.They can't fall for each other.
Please comment!Thanks :D -mbwzy-
Chapter 1:The Beginning
Chapter 2:Throw Away Love
Chapter 3:Money's Sake
Chapter 4:Property
Chapter 5:New Mansion
Chapter 6:A Visitor!
Chapter 7:Party Next Month
Chapter 8:Training GuiGui
Chapter 9:Home Party
Chapter 10:No Prince
Chapter 11:Aaron's Past
Chapter 12:Murderer!
Chapter 13:Visting The Children
Chapter 14:The Beach
Chapter 15:With Prince
Chapter 16:GuiGui,I Love You
Chapter 17:Aaron To The Rescue
Chapter 18:GuiGui Is The Woman That I Bought
Chapter 19:Prince Got Married
Chapter 20:Mei Pays A Visit
Chapter 21:Prince Employee
Review @ impeccable melodies
Title: Married @ 15Author: mbwzyTitle: 5/5 --- It definitely got my attention and fits the story but was a little cliché. I liked it though, so full points.
Poster/Background: 10/10 --- Woah, I love your poster…I think it’s the prettiest one I’ve ever seen. I love the colors and they’re faces on it, it all just comes together so perfectly. I ended up highlighting a lot of the text in the chapters but that didn’t have to do with the font color, more that your paragraphs were extremely messy.
Forewords: 3/5--- The foreword did a good job of giving a preview of what the story is all about except it wasn’t attention grabbing, but more of a plain summary. Try asking theoretical questions next time; it gets the readers interested. Also, sentence structure was not working out for you. Too many sentences in a paragraph will discourage readers to go on and miss your amazing story!
Plot: 15/15--- I really liked the plot, it was very interesting. I, for one, am a huge fan of Aaron Yan and Wang Zi (but Aaron more!) so I was happy to read a story about them. I liked how characterized their personalities and how Gui Gui is so down-to-earth and caring.
Flow: 10/10--- The transitions were very smooth and I never lost track of what was happening in the story so that made me happy. There were some points where sentencing was awkward and disrupted the flow, like the parts about the kids. Mostly, the flow was good.
Writing Style: 3/10 --- I like your way with words but the problem is your format. Half the time, I had to highlight and tell myself to focus because the paragraphs were so messy! There weren’t any spaces between the dialogues so I was confused at who was saying what. There’s no spacing at all in the paragraphs, which makes me wonder why…you have such good vocabulary, why aren’t there any spaces between periods and commas? It makes everything very disorganized. This was mainly the problem with this story. It was extremely hard to read and follow what was going on
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10 --- Spelling was good, there were a couple spelling issues here and there but nothing major. Gramer was okay, there were some run-on sentences and awkward sentence structure and order as well as some issues with past and present tense. Ex:
“She has an older brother named Reymart who likes to gamble all the time and flirting with rich older ladies. They have siblings which aren’t their real siblings. They just adopted them.”
There are a couple things wrong with that such as the fact that there are run-on sentences, word choice, lack of commas, and past-present tense confusion.
The corrected version should be:
“She has an older brother named Reymart, who likes to gamble all the time and flirt with rich older ladies, and siblings who aren’t their real siblings; they just adopted them.”
I think you’ll find these errors throughout the story, which make the story hard to read.
Characterization: 8/10 --- The personalities of the characters were pretty clear but there was a big lack of detail. “Showing” instead of “Telling” works extremely well when describing characters. When Gui Gui is looking at Wang Zi’s handkerchief on the floor, “showing” could be used by saying:
“I was lying on the floor, looking longingly at the soft and beautifully crafted handkerchief that the stranger had given me earlier.”
Instead of just “I was lying on the floor looking at the handkerchief that the guy gave me earlier.”
Detail provides intrigue and gives the readers a mental image in their minds of what is happening in the story.
Originality: 7/10—Although I liked your take on the story, I have read tons of the typical “rich guy meets poor girl and marries her” storyline. It’s almost like an old fairytale and although those are classics, there’s a enormous lack surprise at all. I already know that Aaron is probably going to end up falling for Gui Gui in the end, fighting with Wang Zi over her, am I right?
Overall Enjoyment: 7/10 --- I loved the plot because it’s so cute, I can already tell that you’re a hopeless romantic like me :]. The characters are realistic, the situation is realistic and I enjoyed reading about their interactions. However, the evident lack of sentence/paragraph structure, commas, periods, and grammar took away a LOT from the story. I love your ideas and I think that you really can make something great out of them but working on all of the above are crucial to the success of your story.
Bonus: 3/5 --- I give bonus points mainly for replying to comments and including little messages in each of the chapters and there were a few comment replies and messages in some of the chapters. This is all mainly for the reader’s benefit; replying to comments and including messages makes the reader feel like they’re reading words from an author that is alive, not just on the page. It gives the author a personality and makes the readers feel like they’re appreciated for reading the story and can communicate with the author.
Total Score: 84/100
Review @ ccmunchers.blogspot.com
Fanfic Title: Married @ 15Fanfic Author: mbwzy
Fanfic Link: http://winglin.net/fanfic/married/
Reviewer: `L e e n u h @ ccmunchers.blogspot.comStory Title: (3/5) Married @ 15
The title was sort of cliché though it somewhat tells you what the story is. Though I would have loved it better if you wrote 'at' instead of using '@' but it was also because of that you managed to capture my attention.
Appearance: (7/10)
The appearance; the poster and the background definitely caught my attention. It just has this mysterious aura to it and just by looking at both the poster and the background, makes me curious about the story. It definitely made me want to read it more. Though, one thing I didn't like is the colour for the font that you used. I think it's somewhat too bright for the background and it made my eyes hurt. So you might want to use a darker colour like black or something similar to that. And for that, I will give you a solid 7. Just remember to use a different colour for the font :)
Forewords/ Introduction: (9/10)
Your foreword was neatly written and it gave me a vivid description of what was about to happen; drama, a twist in the tale and an epiphany. Unlike some people, I prefer what you did; writing a prologue and not tell us who the characters are because it is very interesting when you do that. But your foreword seemed to be a tad bit too much because it's like telling me what's going to happen in the story. Sometimes, it's better if you write a certain scene that's going to happen in the story as your forewords because it's interesting that way as well. Because your foreword was vivid in my mind, I'll give you a 9. Just remember that you need to tone the foreword a bit and maybe do a little introduction for your characters.
Plot: (15/20)
The plot stuck to the title and it definitely matches with the poster and the title. In every chapter, I could see the interesting points and all the events. It made me smile and even rolled my eyes at some of the events. I'll give you a satisfying 15 because it was entertaining and somewhat written in honesty. It had its own twists and the drama here and there. Maybe next, you can try to make a draft of the main points for the certain chapter and think of what to write before writing the final draft. You can also perhaps use a lot of adjectives when you describe to make your points clearer.
Characterization: (6/10)
For me, the characters' explanations about themselves were all over the place as well. When you explain one thing, you should explain in carefully, not too much details or less details. You need to give it an exact amount of satisfying details. As for the minors, they were wonderful but like before, their characters were all over the place. When you start talking about one kid, you need to stick to that kid then you can move on to the other.
Creativity/Originality: (8/10)
I would have to give you a 8 for this because though it's original and creative, plots like these are quite common. Maybe next time you can try and think of other possible events that can occur that us readers might not expect happening.
Spelling/Vocabulary/Grammar/Punctuations: (7/10)
Your spelling was great, there were not much mistakes but your punctuations and vocabulary needs a little more improvements. Try to use ';' and ':' in your story. It can help with explaining such situations and events that occur. Also, your vocabulary is too simple, to put it nicely. At times, you need to use certain adjectives to make the sentences interesting because if you just write it blantantly, it can come off as boring.
Flow: (5/5)
For this, I'm giving you a full one! For me, the flow was not too slow nor was it too fast; just about the right speed. Keep up the good work, but remember don't dilly dally on a certain thought.
Writing Style: (9/15)
I gave you a 9 because eventhough it had a great plot, the way you wrote it was rather all over the place. You need to make sure when you write the thoughts, maybe you can perhaps use ' and “” for speeches. Also, whenever one character in yourr story speaks, make sure it's on a new paragraph. That way, we can understand it easily. Thus, instead of doing -
I suddenly remembered my brother and the little kids."I'll throw it away."I answered.At that time,I didn't understand what it meant to throw all your love away."All right.Let us arrange the contract then."he said.
You can write; I suddenly remembered my brother and the little kids. “I'll throw it away,” I answered. At that time I didn't understand what it means to throw all your love away.
“All right, let us arrange the contract then.” He said.
Overall Enjoyment: (5/5)
I'm giving you a three here because the colour was distracting me and the paragraphs were all over the place but it was enjoyable.
Bonus: (5/5)
I'm giving you full points on this one because I am Arron-biased! He is adorable and I definitely enjoyed your story.
Total: (79/100)
Title: Married at 15
Aurthor: mbwzy
URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/married/
Reviewer: SaMaNtHa
Site: http://adorable-luv.blogspot.com/
Title: 4/5
Your title is common upon other story titles in Winglin and I didn't like how you didn't spell out 'at' but rather you put @. It makes your title look unprofessional, it also looks stupid, to me. But other than the things I said, it connected well with your story.
Foreword: 3/5
The foreword didn't contain all the information needed. It didn't include background information nor character information. I understand that not all author's like to include character information on their foreword but its very helpful to your readers, so they will know who your character's are and their importance in your story. The background information would also be nice to read in a foreword, it tells your readers what the rating is and the length and so forth. You added a prologue which was good and catchy but there were too many information. Adding a lot of information is boring and tends to make your readers get bored.
Poster/BG: 6/10
I loved your poster but didn't like you bg. Your poster was pretty but I thought it looked kind of messy and crowded. There was too many things on your poster like the big red {}? And the telephone poles? I thought that it was crowded and I don't know their purpose for being on the poster. The bg was too much. I think having your poster on your background looks weird. I just never liked the idea of having your poster on your background; it makes fonts hard to read, I had to highlight your sentences to be able to read them. So the total for this section is 6 out of 10. I love the poster but it's too messy for me, and the bg made your font hard to read.
Plot: 16/20
The plot was very interesting indeed but it wasn't organized. I thought it was messy how everything is happening so fast, and a lot of things happened at once. I loved how you put a lot of conflicts in your story, but like I said there was too much at once. I would like to relax one in a while without having everything happening at once. But all in all it was good but very unorganized. So I'll give you 16 out of 20.
Characterization: 10/15
I didn't really understand the characters. You need to add more information and details about your characters. I didn't get their personalities in your story. I only know the basics about them, I'd like to know them more. You need to do a better job at your characterization, if you put more depth and details in your characters it would be easier for your readers to connect with your characters.
Creativity/Originality: 9/15
I thought it was creative. I like a story that has a lot of conflicts because it keeps my attention, but like I stated above you put too much things at once, just let it flow. Your originality was okay, I don't see your plot on winglin but I do see them in dramas. They are very common, so think of a bigger and better storyline, think outside of the box.
Spelling/Grammar: 8/10
I only saw minor spelling mistakes here and there. Your grammar was okay. But you need to work on your punctuation, like spacing ect.
Flow: 4/5
The flow in the beginning was quiet fast. The first chapter had a lot of things going on, then the second chapter she was selling herself and third chapter she was going to get marries then from there it was pretty balanced. So just the beginning of your story was fast.
Writing style: 7/10
Your writing is not neat, everything was together there were no space for example,
"We should bring him to the hospital."Reymart said."But we don't have any money."I replied."If it's for money then I'll do anything.I'm going to that place to get some."he said as he put his tuxedo on."See ya!"Kaleb waved at Reymart."Have a safe trip!"Alan added.I carried Tom."Let's go to the hospital."I said."Okay."he replied."I'm coming too."Alan said."Me too!"Kaleb said.These children were brought by Reymart but we've become more and more like a family."I'm starving."Alan said.I can hear his stomach growling for food."Hang in there!"I said.We went out of the house and I saw Reymart,flirting with an old rich looking woman."Rey--"Alan said but I covered his mouth.He was about to call Reymart."Don't,our brother is working right now."I said.Reymart's job is to see rich older women.He always says that dating women you don't even love is a big problem but it always seems that he's not just playing around with them.What's more,he always throws all the money he earns by gambling.I just suddenly realized that Tom is having a hard time breathing."Sorry Tom!I'll bring you to the hospital right now."I said.I kept walking and walking in Taipei city.I went to Nazareth's Hospital.
It gets very hard to keep track with your sentence and who's talking because everything is together, you need to seperate them so we'll know what happening and who's talking.
So space it like this,
"We should bring him to the hospital." Reymart said.
"But we don't have any money." I replied.
"If it's for money then I'll do anything. I'm going to that place to get some." he said as he put his tuxedo on.
"See ya!" Kaleb waved at Reymart.
"Have a safe trip!" Alan added.
I carried Tom." Let's go to the hospital." I said.
"Okay." he replied.
"I'm coming too." Alan said.
"Me too!" Kaleb said. These children were brought by Reymart but we've become more and more like a family.
"I'm starving." Alan said. I can hear his stomach growling for food.
"Hang in there!" I said. We went out of the house and I saw Reymart, flirting with an old rich looking woman.
"Rey--" Alan said but I covered his mouth. He was about to call Reymart.
"Don't, our brother is working right now." I said. Reymart's job is to see rich older women. He always says that dating women you don't even love is a big problem but it always seems that he's not just playing around with them. What's more, he always throws all the money he earns by gambling. I just suddenly realized that Tom is having a hard time breathing. "Sorry Tom! I'll bring you to the hospital right now." I said. I kept walking and walking in Taipei city. I went to Nazareth's Hospital.
See spacing it on is much easier to follow. You need to double space after a period and you also need to space when you put commas. You also use 'said' a lot. There's much more ways to express when some one's talking.
You also added a lot of dialogue and not enough description, so work on that.
Overall enjoyment: 4/5
I enjoyed it, it was fun to read. But I didn't like how everything was together, I kept getting lost.
Total: 71/100
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